Your Greatest Fear

Guest Opinion

By Greg Holmes | Jan. 18, 2025

What are you afraid of? If you can’t come up with something, try again. Everybody is afraid of something whether they admit it or not. Admitting to being afraid is often difficult to do in our testosterone-driven culture that over-values appearing strong and not admitting to weakness. Ironically, it’s often the person who denies ever being afraid who is actually one who is the most afraid, living in a world of false bravado and denial.

Fear, whether we like it or not, is a vital part of our lives. In fact, fear and our response to it is crucial to our survival. It’s an emotional response which is triggered by a perception of a threat, either real or imagined. Once the threat is perceived, we typically respond in one of two ways: “flight” or “fight.” Imagine living in a wildfire-prone area in California, for example, and receiving a warning about a fire. Most of us would take flight to avoid the approaching danger.

An interesting thing about fear is that it can be divided into one of two groups: rational or irrational. Irrational fears are usually referred to as phobias. Even though irrational fears have very little or no basis in reality, they can be devastating and significantly interfere with our ability to function.

Trying to convince someone that their fear is irrational and that they have nothing to worry about is a common but difficult response. Take aerophobia, or fear of flying, as an example. The reality is that flying is extremely safe, but try to tell that to the 25 million Americans who are afraid of flying. An extremely rare plane crash or aircraft malfunction will serve as proof positive to an anxious person that flying is dangerous. At the same time, millions of safe flights will fail to reassure them. People who have a fear of flying often experience panic attacks, are scared of being closed in small spaces, and have difficulty with the loss of control. Fortunately, different types of psychotherapy have been shown to be helpful in helping people face this fear.

What are some of the most common phobias? Twenty-five percent of Americans are afraid to speak in public (glossophobia). The reason for this fear may seem obvious: They are basically afraid of the reaction of the group they are speaking to. Being courageous by practicing in front of a supportive small group, such as Toastmasters, can be quite helpful in addressing this phobia.

Fear of heights (acrophobia) is also common, with 24 percent of survey respondents stating they experience this phobia. Twenty-two percent of individuals state that they have a fear of spiders, snakes, or other animals such as dogs (zoophobia). By contrast, the rarest phobia of all is arachibutyrophobia, the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.

Where do our fears come from? Unfortunately, some come from traumatic experiences, as is the case of people who have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The vast majority of fears are learned responses and can come from many sources.

One very disturbing fact is that your fears can be manipulated by others for their own personal gain. This is often a go-to strategy of politicians, who with the help of “news” media, attempt to scare you with false information so you will vote for them and their agenda.

Even in the event that you have one of the phobias listed above, it is not your greatest fear. How can this be? If we define our greatest fear as the fear that we think about the most, the one that governs many of our daily actions, the answer is clear. Your greatest fear is actually the fear of rejection.

Think about this honestly. How much of your day is spent comparing yourself to other people or being concerned about what they think about you? Fear of disappointing others and the potential for a resulting rejection by them is often an important, albeit unconscious, determinant of our daily behaviors.

Why is our fear of rejection and our longing for acceptance so strong? Being included as a part of a community was essential to our odds of survival as we evolved as a species. Acceptance by others was and remains critical. It is no wonder that we’ve developed a hyper-vigilance to avoid disapproval from others.

All of us have experienced rejection in one form or another. Depending on our life circumstances, some of us can shrug it off, not take it personally, and get on with our lives. For others who are vulnerable, it can be devastating and contribute to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and depression.

For those of you who are tired of living in fear, dealing with it ultimately involves facing it head on with courageous action. Courage, by definition, means taking action while you are afraid. Failure to take courageous action about your fears reinforces them and ensures they will continue to control your life.

As the psychoanalyst Carl Jung once said, “where your fear is, that is your task.” What is your task? Are you willing to take it on?

Greg Holmes lives and writes in Traverse City.