Tinder in a Tiny Town

Feb. 3, 2018

Dating is tough.  Dating in a small town is even tougher.  It can be difficult to meet someone here who hasn’t already dated three people you know.  My former boss at The Loading Dock (remember that place?) used to say, no one breaks up here, they just lose their turn. 

Apps like Tinder and Bumble make dating into a sort of game.  It’s addictive.  Swipe, swipe, maybe read a bio or two.  Women get to sift through photo after photo of dead deer and fish.  That’s Northern Michigan for you, the land where men present what they have killed for you.  That’s all fine and dandy, dudes, but the other guy’s buck is probably bigger. 

Every woman loves to travel and is up for adventure.  They hike and yoga and filter their selfies with SnapChat and lies.  They list height restrictions and date expectations and tell you exactly what they’re looking for.  Damned if you can’t provide it to these dime store divas.  If you ask a guy his height don’t be offended when he asks your weight. Swipe left.  Next.

Everyone who has children posts how they’re their world.  Yes, but eventually if you’ve done your job as a parent, they’ll grow up and move out and then you need to figure out who you are as a person, not just a parent.  These people you’re seeing are dating you, not your children, so you have to show them who you are outside of being a mother or father.  You have limited space in your bio, make it count.  First impressions are everything. 

Who are these people on the swipe apps?  Everyone is super active and looking for the same.  Come on, really?  Where my couch potatoes at?  Nobody is binge-watching Parks and Rec and eating microwaved chips and cheese.  The bike trails and hiking trails and gyms must be packed.  But they’re not.  Everyone is playing pen pal for weeks and months and never simply meeting up to see if the vibe is there.  This isn’t an AOL chat room.  This is a dating app where you’re supposed to actually meet people.  Unless you’re just there to collect matches, ladies…

For heaven’s sake, how many back burners you got?  I hear a lot that there’s no one to date in Northern Michigan.  If you find yourself saying that, guys and gals, maybe you should ask yourself, when was the last time you asked someone out?  What’s the worst they could say?  No?  No, thank you?  No, I think you look like devil spawn and you smell like cheese?  Take that last one as a compliment.  Cheese is delicious.  Especially microwaved on chips.

Dating is a game.  I’m not saying you should be playing with emotions; that’s not nice.  I’m saying you should relax and have fun with it.  If you take yourself too seriously no one else is going to take you seriously.  Laugh at yourself.  Find amusement in the world around you.  Make observations and share them with your potential date.  That’s how you see if you really connect, if you have the same sense of humor.  I’m not afraid of dying alone, I’m afraid I won’t find someone to laugh with along the way.

If you enjoy your own company, chances are someone else will too.  Start by working on yourself.  Are you a person you would want to date?  Life is better when you share it, but I challenge you to figure out how to love it by yourself and then see how someone else may be able to fit into it and enrich it.  In the meantime, here are some tips to make your profile a little more appealing:

Gents:
You have friends, right? Ask them to take a decent picture of you. No more up-nostril shots.

Unless you’re taking her hunting (would not recommend a lady go into a secluded area of the forest with you on the first date), maybe use a pic or two that don’t say, “You even hunt, bruh?”

If you’re flexing at the gym in a tank top smaller than one I would wear, I’m going to assume you can’t afford clothes that fit.

Ladies:
Until the world advances to where you can wear a filter on the first date, maybe post a pic or two of how you actually look.

Group pictures! It’s great that you have friends - does he get to date all of you? 

Cut the height restrictions. If you want to date someone you can actually look up to, choose a man who’s confident.