When to Listen to Your Inner Voice

(And when to tell it to shut up!) Dr. Ethan Koss on self-talk

By Ren Brabenec | Nov. 9, 2024

We all have a voice in our heads. The one that tells us right from wrong. That cheers us on…or puts us down. That remembers (and replays) the good and the bad. Sometimes that voice helps, and sometimes it hurts.

Dr. Ethan Kross, an award-winning psychologist and the director of the University of Michigan’s Emotion and Self Control Laboratory, will take the stage for a National Writers Series conversation at City Opera House on Thursday, Nov. 21, at 7pm.

The topic of the evening? Kross’s book, Chatter, plus a discussion of how people talk to themselves and strategies for harnessing one’s inner voice.

What Is Self-Talk?

When you see the term “self-talk,” it’s almost always preceded by the word “negative.” According to Kross, that’s because most people see their inner voice as a somewhat carping, often cynical, shadow-like essence that needles them throughout the day and night.

But with understanding and some training, this inner voice can be a superpower.

“Your self-talk is a tool, like a hammer,” says Kross. “And while a hammer could be used for destruction, just that fact alone doesn’t mean you should get rid of the hammer. You can build beautiful things with it too.”

Kross defines self-talk as a mysterious aspect of human psychology that all humans have yet which is not well understood. “It’s the voice inside your head,” says Kross, chuckling. “And no, you’re not crazy, because we all have it.”

His book, Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It, lays out a compelling description of self-talk, defining it as an amazing tool of the human mind.

“Humans use mental speech within their minds to reflect on their lives,” says Kross. “You can use it to repeat things over and over again, like a telephone number someone just told you. Or you can use it to solve equations or plan a day trip. You use self-talk to congratulate yourself on a job well done, but you also use it to ask yourself if you performed a task correctly, to wonder why you haven’t achieved that goal yet, and to ruminate on whether that conversation with your spouse could have gone better.”

Some have attempted to describe self-talk as a fixed rendition or solid manifestation of your mood or mindset on any given day, but that’s not quite accurate. According to Kross, self-talk is more like a canvas, and you’re the painter.

“At any moment, you can control and change your self-talk to better suit you,” Kross says.

What changes when you change the way you talk to yourself?

“People who master their self-talk experience the inverse of the negative,” Kross explains. “While many of us struggle daily with the adverse aspects of negative self-talk, those who master their self-talk and make it a superpower rather than a crutch are shown by our studies to have more positive thought patterns, to perform better in their careers, and to enjoy healthier relationships. They have better opinions of themselves, are more confident, and are less prone to worry.”

A Roadmap to a Healthier Inner Voice

When Kross was a boy, he lived in Brooklyn with a father who was the epitome of a gruff, Yankees cap-wearing, fast-talking New Yorker. However, Kross Senior’s advice to always look inward during conflict stuck with Dr. Kross, eventually leading him to pursue psychology.

Decades later, while Kross was giving a lecture on self-talk, a student asked why it wasn’t until the graduate level that they were learning material that everyone in the world should have access to.

“I had no good answer for her, because she was right,” says Kross. “Her question became the inspiration for the book, to make decades of research, study, and life experience available to everyone.”

Chatter is a compelling read, providing tools and data that are science-backed and thoroughly researched. Throughout the science, statistics, and self-talk strategies, Kross weaves case studies into the text to reify the concept of self-talk and engage the reader. From a story about a baseball pitcher who forgot how to pitch to one of Navy SEALs facing some of the most physically and mentally challenging tasks imaginable to another about a Harvard student who led a double life as a spy, each chapter brings the reader into a better understanding of what self-talk is and how one can train their inner voice.

The tools offered in Chatter are many and varied. Per Kross, everyone adopts strategies to harness their self-talk differently, hence the need to experiment and see what works best. Some of the advice in Chatter includes:

- Distancing Tools. According to Kross, negative self-talk inevitably leads us to become very focused on an area of discomfort or insecurity, almost as though our eyelids are glued to a microscope’s eyepiece. Distancing yourself from the negativity that’s producing harmful self-talk enables you to come around and tackle the problem from a proactive stance reinforced by positive self-talk.

- People Tools. We shouldn’t have to chatter alone, and the book offers hands-on resources for seeking support, including how to be a good “chatter advisor” for others beyond just having someone to vent with.

- Green Space Exposure. Science has shown immense mental health benefits from immersing ourselves in green spaces. Something as simple as a walk through the forest can be a salve for a particularly bad day of negative self-talk.

- Interacting with Physical Spaces. Our inner voice often seems uncontrollable, so Chatter advises readers to tackle what they can control. Something as simple as cleaning, organizing, crafting, or exercising helps manage our “clutter” from the outside in, shifting a negative internal monologue into a positive one.

- Seeking Experiences of Awe. When humans contemplate something vast and stunning, it leads to a shrinking of the self. That can help make our pettier problems seem minuscule and even silly.

While Chatter will be the primary theme of the NWS event, Kross will also discuss his forthcoming book Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You, an outgrowth of Chatter that focuses on harnessing the power of emotion regulation.

About the Event: Attendees can see Dr. Ethan Kross in person at the City Opera House in Traverse City ($17-$27) or they can buy virtual livestream tickets ($15). For in-person ticket holders, the City Opera House doors open at 6pm on Thursday, Nov. 21, with live music and a cash bar. The event begins at 7pm and includes a Q&A. Dr. Kross will sign books after the event.