Locals Seeking Cupid

Northern Michigan Singles Scene A Challenge

Feb. 4, 2017

In this season filled with jewelry, candy and floral commercials on TV, love floats so thick in the air it causes some people – particularly singles – to choke.

With towns spread over more than a dozen counties, northern Michigan can be a difficult place for those seeking to meet a partner.

For one thing, singles say there just aren’t enough other singles available. Some look far and wide for mates, wandering grocery store aisles or trying to assess the physical condition of people passing by on the street.

In more rural areas, people often turn to the Internet. Even though northern Michigan attracts talented, successful and affluent professionals, singles complain that most new arrivals arrive with someone already on their arm.

Lonely men and women who feel frustrated that they haven’t yet been shot by the masterful archer Cupid may yet find success. In the meantime, some make the best of the situation, some remain hopeful romance will come along, and some steadfastly refuse to have anything to do with the Internet.

Willing to Go the Distance
Noah, a 22-year-old disc jockey who lives in Elk Rapids, normally goes out with friends rather than alone. He explained, “[Otherwise,] I have to drive 25 minutes home by myself, and I don’t want to go to jail.”

The drive from Elk Rapids to Traverse City and back home again is tough in the wee hours of the morning. Nonetheless, the music man is enthusiastic about dating and enjoys being single, at least for now. After trying Internet dating with some success in high school, these days he mainly meets women while DJ’ing.

When asked if he thinks his odds are good of finding a match someday, Noah smiled broadly. “I’d say 75 percent. The majority of the people I date become friends. I have friends and I’m in no hurry whatsoever. It’s no rush for me.”

Regardless of the temperature outside, the DJ said he’ll likely be lying in his hammock down by the bay on Valentine’s Day; he listed the Double Wide bar as another place he could potentially be shot by Cupid’s arrow before Feb. 14 arrives. “[My friends and I] go there every Wednesday for pint nights to chill and hang out.”

Hoping for Romance
A 31-year-old consultant who prefers anonymity lives in downtown Traverse City and has no trouble finding restaurants or bars where people mingle. Still, she’s single. She’s tried Internet dating apps such as Match and Tinder, but neither resulted in second dates. Bumble is a newer app that she thinks offers slightly better quality selection. The problem? “I think the apps are more for entertainment, unless you’re in an area where more people are using them.”

Would she consider moving to a larger urban area that has more dating possibilities? “Yes. It crosses my mind frequently.”

Nonetheless, our consultant has faith in the future. She thinks she’ll eventually find a match whether she stays or leaves the area. “If I make dating a priority, things could change. I’m just so involved with community organizations and my job that I overextend myself. Sometimes I don’t have time for a social life. I’m also a little pickier than I probably should be, so some of it’s probably me.”

Discouraged But Resolute
“It’s probably my standards,” said Elizabeth, a 20-year-old shy Central Michigan University student who lives in Traverse City when not attending classes. She’s searching for a mate to someday marry, but unlike her peers, Elizabeth refuses to succumb to the Internet.

She explained, “I feel like you can’t actually know someone over the Internet.” For this reason, she insists she’ll never attempt electronic connection. She’d rather meet her match on campus. The problem there?

“Guys at that age, the younger guys, are all about hook-ups. You’ve got to meet the seniors.” She added, “Everyone usually meets their husband or wife in college, so I’m getting out there…The problem with Traverse City is you pretty much know everyone. I guess it’s a small town,” she concluded.

What Does The Doctor Say?
Some singles who want a relationship fear they’ve waited too long to find love. Petoskey psychologist Kelly Daunter said, “I’ve seen a number of clients [looking for] a mate. I have clients who are 28 and completely panicked. I have a client who’s 36 and completely panicked. I saw a woman this evening in her late 40s, early 50s, who’s panicked.” Dr. Daunter noted, “People worry because our culture is so geared towards coupling.”

When asked about online dating, Dr. Daunter said, “The Internet has really opened up the world. I had a 72-year-old client last spring who was absolutely delighted to have found a number of suitors online she enjoying meeting and dating…She has now settled down with one of them.”

But online dating is as risky as it is beneficial. “People are instantly looking for a response, instantly looking for whether someone likes them or doesn’t like them. Dating,” Dr. Daunter said, “used to include modesty and manners and patience and chivalry and respect. Dating today is instant gratification and impulsivity and all sorts of other characteristics that have taken some of the charm out of it. But the right two people can add that charm back in.”

What holds most people back from attracting and finding a match? Dr. Daunter concluded, “I think people get in their own way. They’re often a little stunted and don’t know how to create their own happiness. They expect somebody else to come in and fill that void. If people could create their own joy, that would attract the right partner.”

She added, “They also have to stay positive. We have a very dynamic community base up here. In rural areas, people assume there’s nobody for them. People assume they’re not going to find their match. That negative attitude puts a roadblock in the process of even creating their own path.”

Singles, she said, should look for people to connect with through the gym, interesting community events, volunteer opportunities, biking groups and community-related functions, but they have to make time for this.

She cautioned, “If you’re overscheduled, you’re telling the universe there’s no room for anyone else.”         

Final Thoughts for Those Seeking Cupid
Match.com has conducted gatherings in Grand Rapids and Detroit,  but none of these events have yet migrated north. Some bars, churches, and nightclubs throughout northern Michigan organize singles nights; Traverse City’s Little Fleet is putting the final touches on a singles’ Valentine’s Day event with details to follow.

If all else fails, singles seeking shelter from gaudy couples displaying affection this Valentine’s Day can pamper themselves at a local spa, plan a day trip with a friend, or check out a Meetup.com, the appropriately named website gaining popularity as a place to meet people.

Dr. Daunter’s Advice to Singles
 - Focus on joy and balance in your own life; this creates opportunities.
 - Pay attention to those opportunities!
 - Recognize your strengths and things that interest you and play to them. If you’re outdoorsy, find other outdoorsy people by hitting the bike trail or joining a running group.
 - Get out of your normal routine. Join a cooking class or sign up for a 5K race. Be willing to try something different if your normal routine isn’t working.
 - Hold your head up and acknowledge those around you instead of racing from place to place. The elderly lady you connect with in the coffee shop might have a fabulous daughter or granddaughter coming into town she wants you to meet. Don’t always look for the person you’re looking for; look for connections everywhere that could lead to that person.