We Need Better Resources for Bereavement

Guest Opinion

The death of a child, whether the child is still a minor or an adult, is a devastating experience in a parent’s life. No one is prepared for that kind of unimaginable tragedy, and few have the capacity to comprehend what it means emotionally and how to successfully cope with the trauma.

How do we handle such a profound sense of loss and return to the demanding duties at work? One day you were “normal,” and the next day you are stricken by grief beyond measure. More focus and committed resources need to be given to parents for the bereavement of their child’s death.

National statistics suggest that approximately 9 percent of parents in the United States will experience the death of a child at some point throughout their lifetime. In some communities, that percentage is much higher. More common is the death of a parent, spouse, or sibling. The death of a child often leads to emotional withdrawal, a tendency to isolate or avoid the public. The impact on a marriage can be shattering and irrevocable.

How do we find evidence of a broken heart at work? For many reasons, the proof of heartache may be hidden. Some people may be reluctant to ask for help, never before having been in that kind of emotional state. They may actually believe that they don’t need any help and can tough it out on their own.

Grieving the death of a child is an overwhelmingly personal struggle. Grief can be a silent poison, taking its effect in the most insidious forms. People tend to hide their grief at work, feeling that their emotions will be perceived as a sign of weakness or instability. Asking for help may cause a heightened sense of embarrassment, even though there is no foundation for embarrassment.

It’s emotionally safer, on the surface, to avoid any conversation about their child’s death to prevent a breakdown in the office. Colleagues often don’t know what to say or how to express their condolences. There is nothing emotionally satisfying about simply hearing, “I’m sorry for your loss.” That is just a hollow acknowledgement of trauma. The wound is dramatically more penetrating and requires a lot of one-on-one time to cry without judgment. Creating a culture that permits this grieving is fundamental to recovery.

People often simply don’t know what to say, so your child’s death becomes the elephant in the room. The topic is avoided to maintain a veil of emotional stability. It’s much more expedient and practical to just politely get on with business. Those who do have the courage to ask, “How are you doing” may have to handle the tears that come as an involuntary response. Since most of us are untrained in how to manage such raw emotion in the workplace, it’s understandable to avoid the minefield.

People may feel an internal pressure to return to work too soon due to perceived expectations about being productive in clearly measurable ways. Insufficient bereavement can manifest itself in subtle behaviors at work. Emotional exhaustion can be masked by a business-as-usual countenance. Frustration and irritability can be magnified. Impatience in a stressful environment can be unpredictable with smaller triggers than usual. Overcompensation by striving for perfection or trying to control every detail can hide the vulnerability or sense of shame and guilt from the loss of a child.

All of the above are increased and exacerbated for those who already have such tendencies. And what is the foundation for any shame and sense of responsibility? Often there is none at all.

Such a major life change demands the need for extensive bereavement leave, including immediate grief counseling. People don’t know how to ask for this kind of help. Our children are not supposed to die before we do. The Scandinavian countries of Norway and Sweden offer generous leave to parents who have lost a child, along with their strong cultural support systems. The United Kingdom also gives several weeks of leave.

Time off from work should be mandatory. To some extent, it should approximate the time off for childbirth. Just as pregnancy leave may be 90 days in length, so should bereavement leave be for the death of a child. Pregnancy comes with many months of joyful expectations, while a child’s sudden death is profoundly devastating.

Although time is a healer, the emptiness will never be filled. Time away will help with the stabilization of one’s emotions. Bereavement is an extensive process of mourning, attempting to cope with an unexpected, tragic loss.

Gerard Bodalski is a healthcare executive with many years of experience in long term care. His adult son, Paul, died in March of 2024 from respiratory failure and anoxic brain injury following an acute asthma attack.

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