Alone Time

Guest Opinion

There is a canyon in the Southwestern United States where legend has it that if you walk into the canyon alone, the walls will talk to you. How can that possibly be?

Of course the walls in the canyon don’t actually “talk.” But what does happen, however, is that when we are stripped of the distractions that constantly surround us in our daily life, we “talk” to ourselves. Talking to ourselves can come in many forms, be it as memories and feelings about the past, reactions to your present life situation, or as imagination about your future.

Fortunately, one doesn’t need to travel to the Southwest to experience this phenomenon. You can do it right here in Michigan: on a trail, on the beach, or even in the comfort of your own home. The key is not where you go or where you are, but whether or not you choose to be alone.

When is the last time you chose to be truly alone? Think about it. Chances are that you are like the vast majority of people who have not sought out the experience of solitude. Most people avoid solitude like the plague. Why?

Many of us fill up our schedules to the brim with work and activities so we end up with little or no time to be alone. Being alone can be scary, lonely, and depressing at times. In fact, many people turn on their televisions even though they have no intention watch them order to create the semblance that someone else is home with them.

The experience of solitude and the feeling of loneliness are quite different. Loneliness is typically the feeling of being isolated or separated from other people even when they are around you. There are many factors that can lead up to this feeling, but most often loneliness is experienced as an involuntary and distressing state of mind.

Solitude, on the other hand, is most often a conscious choice to be alone and involves the decision to withdraw temporally from social contact with others. This is most often done for the purpose of self-reflection and to gain clarity and potential resolution into issues that you currently have or have had in your life.

However, solitude can have harmful consequences if it is forced upon you. Such is the case with solitary confinement, often used as punishment in the penal system. A number of studies have shown that solitary confinement can have long lasting psychological, physical, and neurological effects on those who are forced into isolation.

What about the effects of punishing children by placing them in a “time out” against their will? The key difference between the children and the prisoners is that unlike the prisoners, the children can choose to end their confinement by simply changing their behavior.

There are several potential benefits that can be found by seeking and experiencing solitude. One such benefit is that we can discover more about who we truly are, what our purpose in life is, and whether or we are on a path that is fulfilling our needs. By choosing to remove ourselves from
others, albeit temporarily, we give ourselves a chance to check in.

Although there are several potential benefits from seeking solitude, most people will simply not pursue it. Even though choosing to be alone and letting go of the distractions in our lives can be clarifying and ultimately healing, we usually refuse to do so. Why? Of course there are the usual
suspects one can use as an excuse, such as we don’t have the time. Another commonly used excuse is that we have more important things to do or that we simply don’t need to be alone.

But here’s the deal: We often want to avoid our thoughts and feelings, from our regrets about roads not taken to our grief about losses we have experienced. To refuse to be distracted and explore our feelings is often too painful. There is a plethora of ways we distract ourselves, from taking medications for our anxieties and dysphoria, to engaging in compulsive shopping, to spending endless time on social media.

There are two paths to solitude. For those not ready to truly go it alone, you can join a retreat or class as a first step in peeling away distractions and to practice listening to your inner voice. One caveat here; some instructors believe that such a class should include music. I remember a
class where the soundtrack included Kermit the Frog singing “Rainbow Connection.” Now I have nothing against Kermit, or frogs in general, but I found the music during the meditation session to be…distracting.

The second path to solitude is for those who are ready is to simply go it alone. Find your canyon, your trail, your beach, whatever, and leave your distractions (i.e., cell phone) behind. Yes, you may miss an “important” call or text, but what you don’t want to continue to miss is your true self, the one that has waiting to talk to you.

Greg Holmes lives and writes in Traverse City.

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